I can't believe how long it's been since I've written a letter to my sweet girl. Ten months is way too long! I have some catching up to do but two recent things I don't want to forget:
- Last night as I was tucking you into bed, you said to me, "Mama, I wish you could take a sewing class." "Why is that?" I asked. Your voice broke and you started to cry. "Because I want you to sew me a doll that looks like you so I can cuddle with it at night so I won't be alone and won't have night terrors. I know the twins need you but I miss you laying by me." My heat broke. You don't actually have night terrors anymore (you haven't had one in about a year and a half) but the message reached me loud and clear. You need me and I'm not always available, especially at bedtime. It's true, the twins are very demanding right now. Bedtime with them is very hands-on and takes a long time. And by the time they are finally asleep, you have fallen asleep because it's so late. Dad is in with Josh every night because he has a lot of anxiety and has a difficult time falling asleep. Oliver falls asleep pretty well on his own. But you get left out and I can understand your hurt. I think the most difficult thing about having five children is not being able to give enough of myself to each of you. Someone always feels left out. It's a difficult balance. Especially since the Coronavirus Quarantine hit, things have been pretty rough for you. You're used to 1:1 time with me while the older boys were at school and the twins napped. Now they don't nap unless I'm driving them around (and you are in the back of the Excursion, driving with me). I can see how this would be challenging for a 5-year-old (or anyone of any age - change and less quality time when you are used to more would be difficult for anyone, especially a five-year-old). You have been acting out a lot as a result. It used to be difficult to convince you to patch your eye with me and now it still is sometimes but often you come to me and ask to patch because you know it is special time and attention from me. I'm sorry this is a difficult time and hope you know I wish I could devote more 1:1 time to you and that my love for you remains as it always has. You will always, always be my favorite girl in the whole wide world.
- The other day you asked me, "Mom, what is it like to see out of two eyes?" I was driving the Excursion, the twins were asleep and the older boys weren't with us. You were all the way in the back so you couldn't see the tears in my eyes. You also told me later that day that at summer camp, while you were in the bathroom there were some girls in there who were laughing. You said they may have been laughing at your eye but you don't know for sure. You are about to start Kindergarten next month and I'm anticipating a little bit of this kind of thing. I'm nervous that some kids may be unkind, as much as I would like to think otherwise. It seems preschoolers are so much more kind and oblivious to differences than older kids. I pray for tender mercies and good friends and a really good teacher for you at your new school, Butterfield.
- You recently told me, "You were especially made to be my mama." I feel the same about you. I can't describe how grateful I am that you are my daughter.
More soon (hopefully). These are just a few thoughts I wanted to share on this Sunday afternoon. I love you! Love, Mom
