15 months

Dear Norah,

15 months old already! Lately you have given us so much hope for vision in your small eye. While patching you last week, I showed you a picture of yourself in a new frame (therefore, unfamiliar to you), which patched. You light up with a big smile when you see a picture of yourself and kiss it. I held up the frame in front of you and you smiled really big and then kissed the picture. I was so excited! I then took you outside and set you down. "Norah, where's a leaf? Go get a leaf." You walked confidently to the plant next to our front door, picked a leaf, and brought it back to me. I sat there on our front porch, crying tears of joy, while you happily played with that leaf. You seem to know when to stop more often when something is in your way, rather than run right into it. And yesterday, I asked you where my nose was while you were patched and you pointed right to it. For so long, we've been unsure about vision in your right eye. Even just a few months ago, you would often run into things while patched and I really didn't think you could see out of your right eye well, if at all. After telling one of your doctors, he told me I could just stop patching if I wanted to. He said it's probably not doing any good if you can't see and it's just torturing you. It was so disheartening to hear. Your dad and I decided we wouldn't give up - not until we heard you verbally say you can't see out of your right eye. But now, just a few months later, you are showing us you actually can see. We believe it is a miracle. Such a blessing for you! We are so grateful and happy with your progress.

At 15 months old, you can say around seven words: all done, oh yeah, hi, eye (those two are new), mama, dada (you are such a daddy's girl), cheese, and "Jees" for Jesus when you see a picture of him (though you don't use these words regularly, other than dada every time you see him), you understand so much and follow directions well, you are super tough (Josh plays rough with you), you are incredibly sweet (you will come up to me and lay your head on my leg or hug me several times throughout the day without being prompted, which I love), you love books, you like to dance (so cute), and you have a very happy disposition (you often wake up smiling). Teething is still rough for you right now - you wake up a lot in the night in pain. Patching is still not fun as well. But for the most part, 15 months is a good place to be. We adore you and really can't imagine our family without you. We love you.

Love, Mom

March / April 2016

Dear Norah,

• You love to look at pictures, especially of our family members. You get so excited when you see pictures of Daddy.
• You LOVE shoes. I've never seen a child who loves shoes so much. You are no respecter of shoes either. You put on any pair you can find: Joshua's boots, daddy's shoes, my high heels, Oliver's soccer shoes, etc. It's adorable. 
• You love strawberries. You open your mouth while I'm cutting them. :)
• You LOVE green smoothies. I make this tropical green smoothie a few times a week and you can't get enough. 
• You love to eat frozen peas. I think they probably feel good on your gums.
• You love playing peek-a-boo. When I say it, you immediately smile and bring your hands up to your face. 
• You say "ah duh" for "all done" while signing it.
• When you need a diaper change, you get a diaper, lay on the diaper mat and say "du" with your legs up. (I have a feeling potty training might not be too far off for you.)
• You love baby dolls and stuffed animals. 

We love your guts!

Love, Mom

One Year!

Dear Sweet Norah,

I can't believe I haven't written in so long. I wanted to write to you on your first birthday but we had company in town for your party (and Oliver's) and it just didn't happen. Tomorrow you turn 13 month old! Time keeps flying by. So much happened in your first year of life, in some ways I can't believe so much fit into one year (two surgeries, seeing five specialists, learning how to put your contact in and take it out (in the beginning, your eye was so small, we struggled to do it at all but now I can do it by myself), patching your eye daily (not easy or enjoyable), going to the ER when you fell out of your carseat and hit your head on the asphalt (That was so scary. I'm so grateful you're okay.), hitting all of your milestones right on track, and watching your amazing personality develop (you're sweet and friendly, you seem to be outgoing and have a light about you).

I honestly hardly even notice that one of your eyes is smaller than the other now. I really do just see your happiness, beauty and light. Kids ask me about your eye all the time. Yesterday at the park, one little boy told me you were missing an eye. I told him it's just smaller than the other and he wouldn't let it go until I opened your eye and showed him. Even still, a few minutes later he came back and asked about it again. It doesn't bother me that kids ask about it because I know they're just curious and want to know. I know someday it will be you fielding those questions. I hope it won't bother you. I know you'll probably get tired of saying the same thing over and over again. What will be worse, I would think, will be people looking at you but not saying anything. Not wanting to be rude but making it uncomfortable anyway. I remember the day we came home from the hospital after you were born. I was still so emotional from the hormones that come along with pregnancy. I set your carseat carrier down in the front room and walked into the bathroom a few feet away. I closed the door and started sobbing. I cried for you, for the heartache you will surely experience throughout your life. I didn't want you to have to go through any pain, to be made fun of, to feel left out. I've come a long way over the past year. I still think about it sometimes; I hope you will always know of your worth and not allow other people to determine that for you. But I see how amazing you are and how you have been blessed with a happy disposition to help you in this life and I know you're going to be okay.

We're grateful for you, sweet girl. For a year, we prayed for you to join our family. Oliver prayed daily for a sister and your dad and I prayed and fasted to have another child. You are an answer to our prayers and a blessing to our family. We love you!

Love, Mom

Christmas Traditions

As Christmas approaches, I want to record some of our family's traditions.

1. We give each of our children an ornament (which they open on Christmas Eve) that represents the year. ie. My 2-year-old is really into Sign Language this year so his ornament is the I love you sign in ASL with his name on it. We also get a family ornament for the year (ie. if we go on vacation, we get the ornament there to remind us of that experience together). When the kids leave home someday, they take all of their ornaments and we keep the family ones. My parents did this for us and I love that I still have meaningful ornaments from my childhood on our tree. 2. We have a basket of Christmas books (some religious, some not) and we pick one every night to read before bed in December. I've heard of some people wrapping them to make it more fun. I haven't done this but I'm thinking about it. We usually get one new Christmas book to add to the collection each year. 3. We have an advent called the "Canned Tree" which is 12 cans stacked on top of one another, the largest on the bottom, all decorated with Christmas paper. Under each can, there is a poem (written by my grandma) with something to go with it (ie. gold chocolate coins to go with the poem about the wise men, candy canes to go with the one about the shepherds, since they look like the shepherd's canes). 4. We pick a family (or two) to serve. 5. We drive around looking at Christmas lights and listening to Christmas music. 6. The kids open two presents on Christmas Eve (new PJs and the new Christmas book). We read Luke Chapter 2 from the Bible. 7. We try not to put a lot of focus on Santa so we only have Santa fill stockings at our house (with candy and small gifts). 8. Grandma Utah got us "Soft Enough for a King," which we're starting tomorrow night for Family Night. The idea is to record acts of service on pieces of paper ("straw) and put them in a manger and on Christmas Eve lay baby Jesus on top. I love this idea. 9. We always walk around the Mesa Arizona Temple and look at the Christmas lights. They are amazing! 10. I love sending out Christmas cards. It's time consuming but receiving them is one of my favorite parts of the season. I enjoy sharing pieces of our family's year with our friends and family. 

I'm excited to celebrate your first Christmas with you this year. I know you won't understand what's going on but I'm grateful you're here with us. 

Seven months old

Dear Eleanor,

You are a ray of sunshine; so smiley and sweet with a happy disposition. I am thankful daily that you are an easy baby.

You started crawling! You mostly crawl a little, stumble and then scoot yourself forward. You're not completely mobile yet, which is fine by me. (I'm worried you're going to choke on your brother's legos.)

Taken in September, the first time you tried crawling.

• You can sit by yourself!
• You have two teeth on the bottom and I think you top teeth are in progress because you always have your fingers or part of your sleep sack in your mouth. 
• You are a great sleeper (you fall asleep quickly and easily) but you do still get up twice in the night to eat. I'm not sleep training you yet because you are taking Hemangiol medication for your hemangioma, which can cause you to become hypoglycemic if you don't eat every five hours. 
• You continue to dislike patching. It's definitely a challenge. 
• Your dad and I are getting better and getting your contact out. He's becoming a pro at getting it out while I hold your hands down. 
• You are so much fun. Your brothers love you, especially Josh (I have to remind him about 20 times a day to be gentle. He plays a little too rough with you, knocking you down and rolling on you.) He frequently asks me to hold you and love to kiss your cheek. 
• We went to Utah this month unexpectedly for your dad's cousin, Clint's Bauer's funeral (he passed away from bone cancer). We stayed with your Aunt Lindsey and Uncle Justin and you got to see your cousin, Skye. Lindsey and I did a little photo shoot with our girls. 

Life Lessons

Dear Eleanor,

Tonight after I got all three of you kids to sleep (your dad is at the Stake Center helping set up chairs for a funeral this weekend), I started thinking about things I've learned in life so far that I would like to share with you. So here is my list at age 36 (in no particular order):

01. You can do hard things. I have kind of made this our motto with your eye. Every time I put the patch over your good eye to strengthen your small eye (2x a day), I tell you: "You can do hard things, Norah. You can do this." Then I sing to you for the 40-60 minutes the patch is on so you will open your small eye and engage. When we first got your contact, it was very challenging to take it out. Again I repeated, "We can do hard things!" You are amazing and always will be. Always remember that you can do hard things, no matter what they are. I believe in you.

02. It's okay to be tired. I'm not here on earth to feel rested all the time. I'm here to work and make a difference and to raise a family. You might not be able to relate to this one for a while but when you have kids of your own, you will know what I mean. It's wonderful being a mother but it's incredibly exhausting. I feel like I may never feel fully rested again. It's okay.

03. You win some and you lose some. Yesterday I left a brand new package of baby wipes at The Children's Museum on the changing table but today I founds some good deals on some cute clothes for you and me at a thrift store. One day you may get a speeding ticket but the next day you may get a card in the mail from a friend. Seek out the positive. A positive outlook will serve you well.

04. Another one that applies to me right now but won't apply to you (at least not in the same way) for a while: parenting is difficult. Not all kids are the same. It's easy to judge other moms or feel judged by other moms as a result of differences in parenting. I've come to realize that there are many different ways to be a "good mom" and no matter what kind of good mom you are, be the best you can for your kids, don't judge other parents and try not to be offended easily. You can easily apply this to other areas of your life as well. Being a teenager can be difficult. It's difficult for you and others, too. Do your best, don't judge others and try not to be offended easily.

05. It's good to be busy doing good things. Christ was busy when He was on the earth. He filled his time with service and teaching. Stay busy by doing good things but always keep the most important things first. (This reminds me of the talk "Good, Better, Best by Dallin H. Oaks.)

06. Whenever you put your heart and soul into something, you leave a piece of yourself behind when you leave. I felt that way about my mission, when I closed the chapter of Graduate School / my practicum and when I quit my job and later quit volunteering at CPS. I take commitment seriously and try to do my very best. Especially when you serve others in this capacity, you will think back on the experience with fondness and it will remain close to your heart.

07. Record your thoughts and feelings. Record your testimony. I love "reading myself" in my prior journals. I have 64 handwritten journals, a few specific journals (one on the atonement, one on marriage that I kept as I was gathering information about marriage before I got married), a gratitude journal (I loved keeping this and need to start up again) and my treasured mission journals. There are three of them and they mean so much to me because of the learning and growth I experienced on my mission. I have also kept a blog over the past ten years - not very faithfully anymore but I try. I also have blogs for you and your brothers, which are very important to me. I hope you guys will love and appreciate these letters someday and know how much I love you as you read them.

08. Take lots and lots and lots of pictures. Back them up. Print them. Record videos. Record your life.

09. To sacrifice is to make something sacred. I learned this lesson when Oliver was a newborn. Here's what I recorded about it:

I was reading through one of my past journals and came across a quote I wrote in there from a General Conference address that said that to sacrifice means to make something sacred: Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught that “the word sacrifice means literally ‘to make sacred,’ or ‘to render sacred’ ” (“The Law of Sacrifice,” Ensign, Oct. 1998, 8; Liahona, Mar. 2002, 13). The words sacred and sacrifice come from the same root. One may not have the sacred without first sacrificing something for it. There can be no sacredness without personal sacrifice. Sacrifice sanctifies the sacred. (The full talk is here.) I think this is so applicable to motherhood, as it is to many aspects of our lives. It really hit home for me right now. [April 16, 2010.]

10. Be kind. Everyone is going through something difficult. Everyone experiences trials. Always be kind. Smile, be helpful, give people the benefit of the doubt and be thoughtful.

11. Stay close to you Heavenly Father. He knows your better than anyone else does. Trust in Him, confide in Him, pour out your heart to Him. Stay worthy of the Spirit. You will need His guidance throughout your life. It is imperative in making decisions. Have faith. He is real and He loves you. Our Savior loves your tremendously. He knows every pain you have ever experienced. Lean on Him when things get rough. Get lost in the scriptures. I have kept a scripture journal at times in my life and this has benefited me greatly.

12. Make your spouse #1. Love him with all of your heart. Embrace motherhood. Neither marriage or parenting are easy. They both take a lot of work, commitment, effort, prayer, forgiveness, trying over and over again...but both are worth every effort you put into them. Be quick to apologize, be flexible, laugh a lot, get on your knees, serve your family and express love and gratitude frequently. Satan is attacking the family. He is persistent. Do not give in.

13. Beauty radiates when you are confident, kind, happy and when you are worthy of the Spirit to be with you. A light will shine in your eyes and others will want to be around you.

14. Keep your body healthy. It is a gift from Heavenly Father. Take the Word of Wisdom seriously. It will bless your life. It has blessed mine tremendously. I recorded this on my "This Social Worker" blog on March 13, 2012: "I am so thankful for the Word of Wisdom, my testimony, and being raised in the church. I see how people's lives are torn apart by drugs. It makes me so sad. I went to a prison last week to interview a mom who has an open case. She was very honest and open with me. She told me of her past history with drug abuse and how she regrets exposing her daughter to that lifestyle. I see families literally torn apart because of drug abuse. I will forever be thankful for my upbringing and good friends. My testimony is so important to me."

15. Education is extremely valuable. Get as much of it as you can. It doesn't look the same for everyone. Regardless of what it looks like for you, do your best, be determined, and don't give up when it gets difficult. A good education will increase your confidence, make you well-rounded, interesting, and open doors to many opportunities and experiences. I am extremely grateful for my education. Find what you are passionate about and do all you can to follow your heart.

16. One of the most important things I've learned is the importance of having a life plan. I didn't realize this before marrying your dad. I always knew I wanted to serve a mission (and felt prompted numerous times to do so) so that was in the plan for me but other than that, I didn't have a concrete plan other than wanting to be a mom. I had an Associates Degree in English before I married your dad and didn't know what I wanted to do next. I fell in love with Social Work after my mission and truly felt like it was my calling (along with being a mother). Your dad and I then put together a life plan, which included me getting my BASW and MSW. We set goals and worked together to achieve them. He was my biggest supporter and still is.

17. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you to be better. Seek good friends and be a good friend to them. I will forever be grateful for the good friends I had in high school. They were such a good influence on me. They were good kids and we had fun doing good things together.

18. There will be times when you will mess up. It happens. You will feel terrible. You know you can repent and be forgiven but remember also to forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. Get up and try again. And again. And again. Don't let your mistakes get you down.

19. Read your Patriarchal Blessing often. Ask for Priesthood Blessings when you need them. Record what you learn from both.

20. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it isn't right. Similarly, just because something is right does not mean it is going to be easy. In fact, it usually isn't.

21. Don't base your worth on what other people think of you. You are a daughter of Heavenly Father. He loves you. You are valuable to Him.

22. Don't compare yourself to others, especially your weaknesses to other's strengths, or others' weaknesses to your strengths. Everyone has been blessed with strengths. Find yours and strengthen them. Focus on the good in others, not their weaknesses.

These are a few things I've learned. You will learn many things throughout your life and they may look different for you. I'm so excited to see you experience life! You are beautiful and amazing and have so much ahead of you. I love you!

Love, Mom

Four months old

Dear Eleanor,

You are a ray of sunshine. I can't get enough of your smile. You still love to be swaddled when you sleep, you prefer to sleep on your side, you love baby food (you have tried carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes and love all three, especially carrots), you reach for and grabs toys, you have very strong legs and prefer standing on my lap to sitting, and your giggle is adorable. You're teething like crazy and you have your hands in your mouth most of the time. You have moved into your room now and seem to like your crib much more than your little cradle. I love everything about you, sweet girl. I can't imagine our family without you. Love, Mom